Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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