I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
