You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I have fence marks all over my body
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
