I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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