Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
