she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
