Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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