its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
