you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
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