Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
