yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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