I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
