ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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