Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The beer is more important than you right now.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
