you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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