last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
