Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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