My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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