I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
