I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
