you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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