Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
