Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
