it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
