Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
