My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Randomize
