____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
