In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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