even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
