Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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