My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
