after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
