i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
