pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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