it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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