I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
