you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
