I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
