you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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