The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
