my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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