I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
We were destined to go to rehab together
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
