wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
