I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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