Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
