You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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