I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
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