i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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