Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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