if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
