moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I have post one night stand depression
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
