Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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